I saw this tweet yesterday and had several thoughts run through my mind as I shared on my Whatsapp status:
When not handled properly, these things become a point of tension in the home, but when we learn to accept the reality of others, they become things that make us laugh and laugh hard, and make us appreciate the unique individuals we are.
You’ll be amazed at how many marriages have broken up because of simple issues like that. I’m telling you.
But eventually, it’s not about those issues in themselves. It’s about the perception we have about them, our level of self-awareness, and our grip on conflict resolution.
For people, who as children, may have been subject to trauma and abuse because of simple issues as these have every tendency that they see those who do them (the same thing they were abused for) the same way, and unconsciously transfer the same pain, anger, frustration, that they felt on other ‘defaulters’.
If my brother and I were married, our recent issue would have been about ‘bathroom’ doors. He can’t understand why I leave it open. I don’t remember not closing it. The problem is already in the way we saw the situation.
He already thinks there’s a “why” for not closing it, and would attempt to make it a question of an error in judgment. I can’t remember if I did or didn’t and expects some sympathy and understanding. If he persists(nags), I’ll soon start defending myself. Gradually, tension starts (and we are still boys).
Some of us have friends and siblings that help us see these possible issues, but instead of letting that be an opportunity to grow and get better, we rebuff, fight, ignore…and since we don’t have a lifetime commitment with them, we think it’s their fault….until you are staring at the person you will spend your life with and you can’t run again.
What can we do?
- Have a genuine love for people.
- Empathy: put yourself in their shoes objectively. See how they see the matter (it goes both ways).
- Focus on the issue, not the person.
- Seek specific ways to make a difference.
- Compromise (both ways).
- Be patient. If you look at these, you’ll see I just spelled out some of the characteristics of Love(according to 1 Cor 13). (That’s for all of you that are quick to say ‘Love is not Enough’. Actually, it is your Love that is not enough yet. You need to grow in Love.)
- Talk to a counselor or therapist.
- Buy my book when it comes out.
- Book a session with me. (It’s still free for now).
Here are some of the responses: