My Birthday Thoughts.

I sit here today,
The first day of a new birth year
And I don’t know what to do, feel or say
To many friends and Loved ones
They look at today with excitement
Maybe of the ceremony or something else worthwhile
I don’t know

I sit here, not sure what to think
Various feelings, thoughts and emotions
All flowing through my mind
Whether to rejoice and celebrate
the successes I’ve made
in my little period of existence;
What my name means on the mind of people;
Whether to celebrate the impacts my life has made;
The joy my presence brought to people;
The smiles I see on their faces when my name they mention;
Or the excitement on their faces when I show up;
How much I had sacrificed for all;
Giving up my comfort and desires just to satisfy another;
Or how I’ve had to make though choices just to  save another;
I am not sure if all these are worth celebrating
If they are anything to be happy about.

Or if I should just sit here
Lament on my failures, my mistakes
Reminisce on the times I have failed
Compare myself with others at the same age
And they see what they have achieved
And how my life seems to be wasting away
How day after day time keeps ticking;
How there’s a little to show for my life;
How I have struggled with habits over and over;
How I had made decisions and given up on them
just as soon as I had made them;
How I should have started living my life;
But yet still living in fear;
The fear of failure and un-acceptance;
The limitation of an Impossibility mindset;
How I keep struggling with the thoughts that
I might never become anything in life
How I still feel, sometimes, that I might be a gross disappointment to myself, God, her, and all
How much Ideas, Projects and Plans on paper
Yet no accomplishment
At these thoughts, the Idea of celebrating desist my mind…

…Continue here.

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Olalekan Owonikoko